I just wanted to write a post that was really weighing on my mind lately. It was kind of hard for me to write but I knew by writing this, someone can know or feel that they are not alone! Just want to set out a disclaimer to this post that I am in no way shape or form a doctor or psychiatrist. I just wanted to let you guys know that its ok to feel this way.
I want to start off by saying that I don’t know what depression is or feels like, I haven’t gotten to that point nor do I want to but all I know is that I’ve had my fair share of the baby blues especially with this pregnancy and my whole labour and delivery. You can read on both my babies birth stories to know what I’m talking about.
There’s been moments where I have been really high like really happy and there’s been moments where I’ve been really low and just crying and just sad and feeling sorry for myself. Obviously these feelings are a number of things going on with me, due to the fact that my hormones are all over the place, I’m slowly getting my period again and just the thought of even having another baby gives me almost an instant traumatic experience knowing that my vagina and lower back will for sure never ever be the same again, makes me sad. Also of course when you have a new born baby who’s crying at night and sometimes doesn’t sleep all day, dealing with that and then you have a toddler with her temper tantrum’s, the lack of sleep can most definitely get to you. It’s evidently a lost battle. An overwhelming feeling to say the least! I’ve been feeling it a lot lately, having two kids can take a toll on you. I don’t know what I would do without my husband, my family and my faith. Truly! I believe in a higher power and on how to get threw it, I simply just pray. And those feelings almost instantly melt away and I almost get a sense of calmness to my mind and body.
I also know that you need to take time for yourself, even if that means getting your nails done, going outside for a walk, or going to the gym. Just simply take an hour to yourself. Even if that means taking the time to go on the computer maybe for an hour to go on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram just to get lost in your mind and not having to deal with home life or in my situation baby life. Your sanity is truly important. That’s why I can rely on my husband to hear me vent to him, as well as my family they are great listeners. One of the triggers for these feelings were for me was obviously my birth story and the pain I endured after labour and delivery. But also was the tone by doctors and nurses telling you that breast is best and the stigma for bottle feeding and not breast-feeding in general like (baby on boob) and thru the whole year of your baby’s life. I was pumping milk for Fallyn but after two months it was truly making me miserable and to the point where I told my husband that I’ve had enough! I hated waking up 3-4 times a night to pump! I’m exhausted! I gave my daughter two great months of my milk and is now on formula. Honestly if you feel the need to not breast-feed anymore then do it! You need to do what’s good for you in the end it’s your happiness, it’s your sanity and it’s no one else’s life but yours, and don’t let anybody tell you different.
I have my sanity, I have my normalcy and yes in the beginning you try it out but if it doesn’t work out, don’t be so hard on yourself and know that its okay to not comply to all the rules. Some rules are made to be broken. Your mentality is way more important in the end and I’ve always said that if you’re happy as a mama, then your baby is happy too! I currently have started going back to the gym, twice or so a week, depends on how I’m feeling but wow! It was a very tough gym session to say that least. I’ve been out of it for two months, but just going back and feeling those endorphins kick in, the sweating, the heavy breathing, pushing your body hard on how it used to be (thats just how I work out) this is huge for my emotional and physical state. I’m so happy to have stuck with working out before baby arrived and to know I’m finally back at it! Makes me really happy!
But if you’re feeling more and more blue and just things are not getting better for you emotionally and mentally then you may want to consider seeing someone professionally. Don’t feel ashamed if you decide to, I know I absolutely wouldn’t feel ashamed at all! But like I said I haven’t gotten to that point, I think the worst for me has happened and I have my family to talk to as well as my husband to always just vent to. Venting is like the best therapy you can get really, even if you vented out loud to nobody. Just saying it and getting it off your chest feels good and not being bottled up. I know that things will get better and that I always have to keep telling myself that you have to jump a few hurdles to get to the end, and that god will not give you something you can’t handle. Your body does heal, your baby will eventually sleep thru the night.
You are not alone and you will get thru this!
Much love to the mamas out there, you are strong, and one heck of a fighter!